Several months ago, I paid a visit
to my late mother’s sister who was in her 80s. I was concerned that she would
not recognize me after being told that she had dementia. To my relief, when she
saw me, she immediately called out my pet name and talk in her usual manner. I understand that
Alzheimer patients remember about things in the past but not recent events.
Seemingly everyone I know has come into contact with or know someone who suffers
from Alzheimer so much so that I have become particularly conscious of my own
absent mindedness when I misplace or cannot recall things. I have to prevent
myself from becoming a paranoia as I feel worrying affects one’s mental fitness
and instead of making progress one may regress unknowingly. Growing old is not
easy and definitely not a curious
case of Benjamin Button.
Woody Allen has been famously
quoted to say, “In my
next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out
of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then
when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You
work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You
party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for
high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You
have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you
spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central
heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You
finish off as an orgasm!” That is wishful thinking indeed.
I had a fabulous time counting
down 2012 and welcoming 2013. The month of January was highlighted by catching
some of the great display of tennis matches at the Australian Open on
television. The said month was also marked by the departure of a family member
who lived till the ripe old age of 92 and followed by funeral rites and
rituals. I was glad to go on a vacation during the Lunar New Year season. When
Chinese New Year came and gone in February, I tried not to feel panicky because
I still had not done much writing although I could say I had my office work to attend
to and a routine to get back to. While January had not been uneventful,
February had been fun and leisure
most of the time, as the last hour of February slipped by, I felt I was not
exactly having a phenomenal start for 2013 because I had not got on track
with my work and made
progress in what I really
liked to do in the new year. My
wish list remains a wish list.
Then came March when I found the
hot and muggy weather almost unbearable, I was still far from settling into a writing routine. The odd
thing about air-conditioning is that it does not work well when you need it
most . When you are all bothered with the heat, you are just bothered with the
heat until you consciously snap yourself out of it and ask, “ Is it really the
heat that is bothering you or you are just making excuses because you know you
cannot focus? After all if the weather gets too cold , your brains
freeze and the brains cannot work
either.”
The April month will not go
uneventful. Following the dissolution of the parliament last week, the town will soon be plastered with
ugly election posters, politicians will be blaring out promises in their
speeches so loudly and fervently that you sincerely hope they will keep .
Surely they must know that actions speak louder than words.
A couple of weeks ago, a close friend and her partner returned to Penang for a visit. They decided to quit
what they were doing abroad as they were not happy doing what they were
doing. They had not quite figured
out what they would like to do next. Then on a short notice, his plans had to be put
on hold as his mother had been admitted to the hospital and he had to fly home.
I tend to believe that often when things happen, they somehow lead us to the next thing that probably will have
some connection with where you are meant to be. However our optimism cannot be at its
optimum when we are clueless as to what will happen next.
The point is, as our resolve
begins to crumble and patience is weighing thin, when we no longer believe that
life is infinite possibilities, we should perhaps just live in the moment and
take one step at a time. In the novel “Dance Dance Dance” written about a
protagonist who was trapped in the advanced capitalist mayhem, Haruki Murakami
wrote : “Dance, the Sheep Man said. Dance in tip-top form. Dance so it keeps
spinning.”
Haruki wrote : “ My awareness of things around me had sharpened. I was
moving forward intently, one step at a time. I had a focus, a goal. Which
somehow, quite naturally, lightened my step, almost gave me soft-shoe footwork.
This was a good sign. Dance. Keep in step, light but steady. Freshen up,
maintain where this was leading me to next. Had to make sure I stayed in this
world.”
A pragmatic mind can be peppered
with some optimism so that the reality is far from bleak. Since I cannot fast
forward and see what is in store , while nobody is going to slip a million
ringgit into my account and I will not have an uncle who has left me a vineyard
in France , I might like to hold on to my dreams for they are necessary
indulgence.
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